As a teenager if aspects of my life got too much to cope with emotionally I would take on physical challenges so I didn’t have to deal with the heart of the problem.
That was a long time ago and in most areas of my life I am doing it better than I did in high school, with the exception of overloading my schedule.
When my fiancé was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was eighteen years old and invincible, as I thought was he. There was no way he was going to die, he was twenty-one for goodness sake and I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. When he did I convinced myself that I was okay. I had his little girl to look after. I was nineteen years old.
From that point on I shut out the hard stuff and focused on replacing emotions with anything but. Besides my children, I allowed love to penetrate the surface, but no further, always keeping people at arms length.
Instead, I kept myself busy. I have studied practically every course ever named, performed in back to back theatre productions for years, developed businesses, written books, volunteered for everything, and all to thicken the wall around my heart, because being exposed and then broken was not something I wanted to experience ever again.
And then, last year, I pushed my fear of emotional attachment to the side and I allowed someone close to me, and it was like I was seventeen again. The simplicity of a text message brightened my life to shades of colour that for years I’d failed to see. I was invincible again and happier than I’d ever been.
I flew to London, shared the best day since the birth of my children, only to receive a text the following day admitting that he liked me less.
To lose someone you love to death I thought would be the most difficult hurdle I’d ever face, but to lose someone you love because you weren’t enough, or what they wanted, is by far more excruciating.
True life love is tainted a pretty drab colour, in my experience, and is the reason I enjoy writing romance so much. Although I find it difficult to throw hurdles in the way of my characters, I know I have to, but the happily ever after reward makes the challenge worthwhile.
Writing is my passion, my true love, and with the mass of characters buzzing around in my head, lonely I will never be. I am currently working on Crimson Towers, and I love the way the story is coming together. Writing this novel takes me back to the best of London, a place where I felt more at home and at peace than I do in my own living room. A most spectacular city that will always hold a piece of my heart, never to be forgotten.
❤ Renee x